Oregon coach denies presence of Glory Holes in new state-of-the-art facility

Charlotesville, VA — First-year University of Oregon head coach Mark Helfrich this week danced around the question of whether whether the O-shaped holes installed in the shower and tub rooms are, in fact, glory holes better than his quarterback Marcus Mariota can samba around the pass rush.

Hoping to focus on the task at hand, making sure the majority of Duck fans know to subtract three from the game’s 3:30 p.m. EST start time against the Caviliers, Helfrich grew frustrated at the glory hole line of questioning.

“I’m a big fan of the Porky’s series,” Mr. Helfrich admitted. “When Best Buy started selling the two-pack of Porky’s and Porky’s II for like $5.99, I was all over it. I even bought an extra copy for the office and a bunch for my staff.”

When asked whether the O-shaped holes were, in fact, used for ease of pleasuring of male genitalia…