Only one member of the Trojan family can fill that giant gaping hole at head coach—and that member is Will Ferrell

DPB obtained a leaked memo from a USC president Max Nikias to AD Pat Haden via Apple Watch Monday afternoon about potential head coach candidates for its football program. Most of the encrypted memo was translated from Farsi using Google Translate, so apologies for the parts we had to fill in.

By Andrew Pridgen

TO: Patty H

FR: Mad Max N.

RE: Hiring Will Ferrell

Pat,

Well, here we go again fucko.

I told you after that Kiffin kid got all pissy when he found out he wasn’t coaching for those guys who “make the jimmy hats and that fingertip vibrator thing” (aside: who the fuck says jimmy hat anymore?) and asked his contract termination fee be paid in cases of 5® Gum Cobalt Peppermint and Axe White Label …that we needed a “wake-up call.” Then what? Dornsife went out and got hammered at the ESPN Zone in Anaheim trawling…